I spend more time in envy than I do in greatness. Hearing music. Seeing art. Enjoying comedy. Watching stirring film or television. Reading something great. Amazed by conceptual design. They live and breath it. I breath settling dust.
What I do is great. What I can do is greater. I am and always have been a force to be reckoned with even though in my head I am currently a pea under a thousand mattresses.
What I have will BAM! and splatter like a quarter stick of dynamite sparked by one solitary moment of ignition. Or maybe like cum on a celestial thigh. I don't know. At least that's the way I picture it will be while still melancholy in mourning the person I used to be, growing into the person I would be if I weren't the person I used to be.
I've got faith. I know I'm a great idea God had a while ago. There are a lot of bad ideas out there, like wearing white after Labor Day or eating a 2AM chicken burrito from Erick's. But this one. This one is good. I know I'm not here to sit around and punch numbers into a machine or mope around because I've given up. I'm not a pussy.
I'm 17. I'm an anarchist. I am a feminist. I am a ball buster. I am a dreamer. I am a fighter. I am someone who doesn't know what the real world is like yet. I'm a style monger. I'm a truster. I'm an ambivalent omnivore. I don't know what to say unless I'm around people who know what to say. I'm an energy generator. I'm a photographer. I'm a writer. I'm a good cook. I openly hate my parents. I'm a nature lover. I'm a spiritual searcher. I attract weirdos. I dye my hair every color and pierce myself. I get all my clothes at the thrift store. I carry a lunchbox. I write on my shoes. I get crushes on bassists and drummers. I drag my best friend around to awesome local shows; eh, most times by myself. I carry a journal with me everywhere I go. I'm a serial obsesser. My first love. Oh, my first love. I break in to the church house to make out. I want to disappear with razors and will kill myself, then I stand on dangerous cliffs and will live forever. I will tell you everything and not even know I'm doing it. I'm fresh out of the gate, smart as hell and I've got a future like an avalanche.
Listen to what happened in between that and this during the eulogy. I'm so tired of this funeral. It just goes on and on and on. If you need me, I'll be in the back telling everyone they don't have to go home but they can't stay here.
